If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
drew a comic about my origin story
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me irl
That de-escalated quickly
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.