Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets