After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]