A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
You Might Also Like
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Thursday Thought.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white