Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
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*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
How to woo a woman
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE