Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.