Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Have a lovely day 😊
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
The glockness monster
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.