Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
me doing my best
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
real
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.