I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.