Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
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*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.