I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
This cat wants you to take your pills
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?