If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison