I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
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My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
first you must answer his riddles
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.