Don’t tell me what to do
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
(Jupiter –
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy