Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.