SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.