Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Straight people are cancelled
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”