I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
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Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
relationship goals
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
christening a ship with an overripe banana