I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: