Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
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Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
pat pat
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.