Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
You Might Also Like
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.