I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
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My boss called in sick of me
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I’d use my best pan on you.