Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
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Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*