the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
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What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
This is Sparta
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Monica just destroyed the internet
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.