When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
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My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.