I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
You Might Also Like
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.