The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven