coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I need better friends
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”