King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”