If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
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Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Kermit goes Blue.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“I wouldn’t.”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.