Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
2023 was just a warmup
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.