*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
What the hell happened here.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.