My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
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Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*