“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out