#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.