Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there