Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Where鈥檚 Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can鈥檛 be found neither
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
馃摴 absolute_kaos1 | IG
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Taylor Swift鈥檚 future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don鈥檛 follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it鈥檚 like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody