“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
You Might Also Like
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Body by sandwich.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Siri, fight Alexa.