How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
#growingpains
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?