[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Check out the legs on this baby
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety