A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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Flock of bats
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.