I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
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My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I am never leaving this website
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now