#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
You Might Also Like
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Poetry is my passion
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.