Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
You Might Also Like
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me