I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
The days of good grammer has went
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.