My last name is Zilla.
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Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories