I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.