snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.