How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
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My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Me sliding into hell like
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.