I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
went fishing caught a bass
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”